Life With Two Kids: No More Please!

This time 18 months ago, the idea of having more than one kid was as far from my mind as possible, let alone more than two! And yet, here we are with two kids. And there we were a couple of months ago desperately taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant with number three.

Let me just clarify, though, this was not excited testing. This was

“Shit, fuck, I still haven’t come on! please don’t let there be two lines”

testing. We most certainly do not want anymore children, and this was the epitomy of pregnancy scares.

I wanted to write a post about it at the time, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. For two very long weeks of my life I was trapped in an emotional tornado, and spent most evenings crying about the unknown. Every thought I had made me feel worse than the last. I felt guilty, ashamed, scared, excited, petrified.

Life With Two Kids No More Please

Because here’s the thing. In the last 5 years I have had 2 children, lost 5 babies, and 1 fallopian tube. I felt seriously lucky to fall pregnant with Amelia just a month after having my tube removed and being told the other one probably wasn’t much use to me either. After I had her, we were told the chances of any more were slim to none. Then I fell pregnant with Wills!

Not only was he a total surprise, but we had grown to accept and be happy with the fact that we would only ever have one kid. To go from that to suddenly having to prepare for a second was tough to say the least. We had all the usual worries; what if Amelia resents him, what if we resent him? What if we can’t cope? How will we afford two kids?

Of course, we wouldn’t change him for the world, and as soon as we wrapped our heads around it we were ecstatic. And now he is here, I couldn’t imagine life any other way. But here’s the thing. We can’t have any more kids. Seriously, I’ve done the maths, it just wouldn’t work. Renting a place big enough for the four of us is basically a pipe dream as it is – living between London and Surrey means that the cost of rental is astronomical, and we struggled to find our current cosy 2 bed flat at a price we could reasonably manage, let alone anything else. I’m not joking, it got really hairy and we eventually moved in just 3 weeks before Wills was born!

10 lies I tell my kids

Then there’s the personal side of things. I was just starting to think about edging back towards full time work when I fell pregnant with Wills, and while I can deal with holding off for a little while longer, another kid would set me back a fair chunk of time. I don’t know that I could handle that. As for Mr C… well he’s made no secret of the fact that he is definitely done at two!

These things are all well and good, and should have been enough to convince me that this situation was not a place we wanted to be. But there was a clear emotional aspect to the thoughts running through my mind. I’ve lost 5 babies. How could I possibly cope with the loss of another? How could I possibly even bring myself to think about terminating this blessing, knowing that I was devastated by every single previous loss. Knowing that this shouldn’t even be possible, and I’ve been offered yet another seemingly impossible chance to grow, nurture, and love a child.

And there it is, that word. Terminate. Termination. Abortion. That word that I have just found myself subconsciously trying to avoid even typing, let alone say out loud. I want to be clear; I have nothing whatsoever against freedom of choice. A person’s body is their own, and there are a thousand times when termination is absolutely the right decision for that person, in that time. But for me, in this instance, I just didn’t feel like I could justify it to myself. I felt somehow cruel and ungrateful for even thinking it. The thought of doing it literally made me shake and cry uncontrollably.

Two Kids More Please

After two weeks of emotional turmoil, mother nature finally gave me a reprieve in the form of a seriously overdue period. Thank fuck for that. It’s safe to say that I don’t think we’ll be allowing a situation like that to arise again, but I did learn a thing or two about myself in the process. Somewhere in the process of becoming a mother twice over, the calculating, sensible, level headed me has kinda given way to a more emotional, less rational side. I know in my head that having another child right now just isn’t something that would work for us as a family. But I also now know in my heart that I will  never say never.

Is there ever a right time to consider having more children? Would it be irresponsible to have more if we didn’t feel it was financially viable? Or does love conquer all? Pre kids I would have definitely erred on the side of irresponsible, and while a big part of me still feels that way, I can’t shake the part of me that was secretly a little bit excited.

x

 

20 Replies to “Life With Two Kids: No More Please!”

  1. It’s such a huge decision, and there’s no good way to make it! How do we ever know when the timing is right?
    I am sorry to hear about your struggles with having your two.
    When it comes to kids, things have a way of working out on their time, not on ours.
    #globalblogging
    Lexie recently posted…Dads and Postpartum Mental HealthMy Profile

    1. That’s very true… After all of the initial struggles my 2 ended up coming along with very little effort, so I suppose if/when it’s meant to happen it will! x

  2. Sorry for your loss of so many babies, heartbreaking to say the least. I couldn’t imagine what that must feel like, but so very happy you have two beautiful children now. We can’t financially afford anymore children at the moment (we just have one), but we both want another child. I’ve said no more than two as I had severe complications after the birth of my first so it has put me off a little bit. It’s a tough question to answer as I don’t think it would be irresponsible as long as you can provide for them e.g., food, clothing, roof over their head. No one can really afford to have children in this modern society. But cutting back or cutting out luxuries like holidays abroad and so forth whilst their young won’t matter. As long as you’re there for your children and show them love and attention, thats all the counts. #MarvMondays

    1. This is so true. I had veg straightforward labours with both of mine, and I think in your position I would be nervous too. Xx

  3. I completely relate to this. We have definitely stopped at 2 as for us it just works. I couldn’t cope with the idea of going back to the baby days again for now, and just the sheer logistics of bedrooms, car seats, holidays all seems to tip the complication scales somewhat when you go beyond 2. Don’t get me wrong – I salute anyone that does have 3 or more children. It just wasn’t what we wanted. Like you though I knew that if I ever became pregnant I don’t think I could bring myself to chose to end a pregnancy. Not now that I have experienced motherhood for myself. In the end the hubby went for the op (he was definitely settled at 2!) and so we no longer have the worry. Thanks for sharing with #DreamTeam x
    Rhyming with Wine recently posted…The Monster That Lives In The Bin…My Profile

    1. Yeah I totally agree with you. Some serious hat tipping to those of us with more, but just not for me. Funnily enough, I remember having a brief exchange with Mr C during my labour with Wills that basically went “Wanna have the snip while we’re here” – “Yeah, I’m down for that. Reckon they could fit me in?!” Haha!xx

  4. Oh gosh this really made me think of when we got pregnant with our third. It was totally planned because I was actually (at the risk of being really misunderstood here) depressed at ‘only’ having two kids. Yes, that’s a comment that would no doubt get me shot down by people who just don’t get it. One of my sisters openly said she thought I was mad having a 3rd, my other sister would probably divorce her hubby if he dared suggest a 3rd. Equally I know many many mums of three/four who said they didn’t feel complete at two. In other words, it is all so personal isn’t it? I hear you. It’s blooming expensive and I know my poor husband bears the financial strain of what that extra child meant. He has actually pointed out I was the driving force behind that pregnancy and he was happy with two. I could go on and on! I love the ‘quote’ you came up with here. Genius. If you’re looking for any other linkies to join, then do join my quotes linky with this one! #bloggerclubuk

    1. It really does come down to what’s right for us all individually doesn’t it? I had kind of convinced myself I was happy with one, until Wills happened and I just knew that the timing as perfect! A third time around… I just don’t know! A couple of my aunts have 6 children each, and both say they would go on and on if they could, whereas I know plenty with one child who couldn’t even think about a second let alone any more!! I’ll deffo check out your linky xx

  5. Wow! I can’t imagine the emotional turmoil you must have been going through. Whenever I told my MIL we were done having kids after 2 she always threw the guilt trip in about “there’s always room for more” and “we never had any money” and I just tuned it out. I think everyone has their own situation, and what’s right for you (or him, or her) may not be right for me. Never say never, but also know your limits!
    ~Jess
    #StayClassyMama
    Jessica – A Modern Mom’s Life recently posted…Working Mom Series – Brenda from Brenda Loves SharingMy Profile

    1. Yeah I totally agree. Money isn’t everything, but know that neither of us would feel like adequate parents of we were always struggling to make needs meet and provide. Thanks for your brill comment xx

    1. Yeah, there has been quite a bit. I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the recent scare, or what I would have felt if things had been different. Thanks for your comment x

    1. That’s our plan I think… I’d love to foster one day, so I think we just need to get ourselves sorted too haha!!x

    1. Haha! Good call! For some reason at the moment I’m doing both! 15 kids at work during the day, kinda makes my 2 feel *almost* easier when I’m at home haha!!!xx

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