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We are a pretty honest and open society now, and with the massive online community only growing, there’s a wealth of information, advice and tips out there if you want to find it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, and there are hundreds of times I think “why did people tell me this would be shit?!” but there are some real things that really will happen that you might just wish someone like me had warned you about.

Since having my two kids and talking to friends, family, other mums and people in general I have discovered a few things that even they don’t really want to talk about. If you’re pregnant for the first time and reading this, and you’re already crapping your knickers (haha! You’ll see why that’s funny in a minute) about childbirth and what’s coming afterwards then you probably should stop reading now.

So here are the 4 things I wish some bloody so-called mate had had the decency to warn me about (Yes, I mean you! Bitch…)

The First Poo

No, not the baby’s first poo. That’s gross, granted, but it won’t be the last gross thing your baby does.

No, I mean your first poo. It might be the day after you give birth, it might be a couple of days, or it might be a week (and for some even longer), but it will come. One minute you’ll be sitting there idly gazing at your beautiful, perfect, little bundle of cuteness ( I don’t care what anyone says, even if your baby looks like a shrivelled potato or heaven forbid is poorly when they’re born, this is how they will look to you) and the next you’ll be thinking “Oh, I need a poo…” Yep, just like that. You might pause for a second and wonder what you’re supposed to do with the baby while you go for said poo, but you’ll soon realise that they’re not going to get up from the crib and leg it while you’re gone, and off you’ll waddle (still waddling) to the bathroom.

And then it’ll happen. If, like me, this happens at 2am on the baby ward where some mother might throttle you if you wake their darling up, whatever you do don’t freak out! Because let me tell you, you will feel like they forgot one, they got it wrong, it was twins after all and OH MY GOD IT’S GOING TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW! A baby is going to fall out of my arse while I sit here, gripping the nearest solid object fearing for my life. But it’s ok, it’s just a poo, just do it. Push. And OH MY GOD MY INSIDES ARE COMING OUT THE FRONT!

And then it’s over. The first poo.

Piles

After the first poo (or if you’re really unlucky, before it) may come piles. Sorry, but it’s true. That beautiful, perfect little bundle of cuteness has literally turned you inside out. This might incite the first of many more to come “fuck you’s” aimed at your child (silently, internally, or under your breath, of course), but don’t worry it’ll all be over soon. Soon-ish… Then there’s choosing whether or not to push them back up… Yes, that’s what I said.

Piles are vile and cruel jokes played on us by our bodies. They make you walk in a way which would suggest something unmentionable has been done to your backside, and sting like a you-know-what anytime you try to go to the toilet. You may spend weeks lowering yourself into a sitting or lying position slower than your grandmother does, and in two years time during a bout of constipation your little bundle of not-so-cute-anymore will cry “mummy my bum hurts” and you will have flashbacks to the time when you were doing exactly the same.

And there’s your reward. In two years time, you will look at your child and realise that, despite wondering daily how this little crap-bag emotional tornado came to be in your home, the two of you are not so different after all.

Your Hair Might Fall Out

Not in like a “Ermagerd I’m pulling my hair out because of this brat” kind of way (that’s later), but in an actual “Are you shitting me, my hair is falling out” kind of way.

Literally no one warned me about this, and to be fair it didn’t really happen after I had Amelia, not in any noticeable way anyway, but about three months after I had Wills I swear I woke up one day with bald patches. Even when I went to see my GP, scared to death that I was getting some kind of crazy alopecia, he failed to mention that it might have something to do with hormones.

It was only when I went to the hairdressers that she calmly and matter-of-factly told me that it’s totally normal, happens to most new mums, and yes a haircut is probably a good idea.

Google it. It’s a thing.

The Boredom

Alright, this bit really won’t last for long, and is certainly only relevant after you have your first child, but it’s real.

So you’ve spent the last 9 months planning to plan, planning, and then ripping up the plan and planning again. You’ve done all of the necessary shopping, the cot is up, moses basket ready, drawers full of cute outfits (some that will never get worn, sorry), you’ve had your manic ‘nesting’ phase and cleaned and scrubbed and organised every last orifice of your home, you’ve binge-watched box sets and finished all the books you’ve been meaning to read for the last two years (because you’ll never have time to do those things again, everyone’s told you), you’ve even given birth and brought your baby home.

Then come the visitors. They keep you pretty busy for the first few days, dropping in and out, sometimes outstaying their welcome just a tad. Or a lot. And if you’ve got a partner, husband or wife at home on leave for those treasured two weeks, then they’re there with you too. Whether they’re annoying you and getting in the way, or being hugely helpful and supportive, or most likely a weirdly great combination of the two, the point is that they are there.

And then they’re not.

Suddenly adult company pretty much ceases (unless you count Judge Rinder). Everyone goes back to work and their daily schedules, and all those baby type things that people warned you about that would suck up every minute of your life just don’t seem to be doing their job. The baby’s fed, winded, nappy changed (twice) and has fallen asleep again. You’re left just waiting; waiting for the baby to wake up, for the postman to come, for literally anything to happen at all. You did everything you needed and wanted to do before you brought your bundle of cuteness home, so there aren’t even any bloody box sets left to watch. Cue boredom.

You can find solace in the fact that this stage doesn’t last for long though, before long the baby sleeps less, may develop the evil that is colic or a variety of other illnesses which disturb their sleep, and generally start doing more things which will naturally take up more of your time.

Then, and only then will you look back on those first few weeks and wonder why you didn’t just sit on your arse more.

A Little Note
I am very aware that this will not apply to some of you (the boredom bit that is, sorry but you get the rest whether you like it or not). If you have a poorly baby, or are poorly yourself, or for any other reason the first few weeks of life with your baby are anything less than delightfully boring then please know that there is a ton of support out there for you and you can totally ignore this smug bitch with her boring first couple of bloody weeks. Or contact me! Even if the best I can offer is an ear for a rant, you never know, I might have something of use to offer… Probably not, but there’s always a hope…

xx

Diary of an imperfect mum
The Pramshed

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Cuddle Fairy

4 Things They Won’t Tell You About Having a Baby| MummyMamaMum
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0 thoughts on “4 Things They Won’t Tell You About Having a Baby| MummyMamaMum

  • February 13, 2017 at 12:05 pm
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    Oh my god I wish someone told me about the hair loss! My sister turned round to me one day and just went, “Becky, you’re going bald!” – Brilliant. Thank you…haha! I had the boredom to a degree, I have an older child at home so she was able to occupy my time whilst the baby slept!
    I completely agree with the lack of adult company, I really struggled with just baby and me at home. In the end I forced myself out to baby groups and I’m so glad I did! Not sure I’d be as sane as I am now if I hadn’t haha!
    Such a great post, really made me smile!
    Becky x

    Reply
    • February 13, 2017 at 12:12 pm
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      Me too! Why doesn’t anyone tell you these things?! And I’ll admit the boredom was less so the second time around, but we decided to keep Amelia at nursery 3 days a week as we didn’t want to stop nursery only to have to get her back in the routine when I went back to work, so I still struggled to a degree. I’m so glad the groups helped you, I did try and maybe it’s just the area we live in, maybe it’s me, I just found it really difficult to click with people.. thanks so much for stopping by Becky! X

      Reply
    • February 1, 2017 at 9:35 am
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      Haha! I wish I’d have had the foresight to save some decent box sets! I ended up watching Pretty Little Liars until I snapped myself out of my stupor!! X

      Reply
  • January 26, 2017 at 10:12 pm
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    The boredom is a thing! Thankfully I didn’t suffer with PND, just a surge of hormones. I’d wail at my husband that I missed him when he was sat right next to me! I really enjoyed this post and realised my comment might have come across the wrong way! Xx

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    • January 26, 2017 at 10:21 pm
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      Oh no not at all! Hahaha that’s classic! (Obviously not at the time I’m sure!) I don’t really know what happened to me, but the time of the month seems to affect me more than post-birth! After the kids I was (mostly) ok emotionally, yet the week before my period starts I’m giving the other half icy silent treatment because he asked me if I wanted food in totally the wrong tone 😂😂😂 hahaha!xx

      Reply
  • January 26, 2017 at 9:58 pm
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    I don’t think I was so bored as I was an emotional wreck. I don’t think I stopped crying for about 6 weeks! #stayclassymama

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    • January 26, 2017 at 10:01 pm
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      Oh bless you!! I feel like I must be emotionally void because I mostly missed out on the hormone fuelled emotions post-babies.. I mean a few years here and there, but I know it can be really full on, so I empathise with you! I’d rather be bored than dealing with that so hats off to you mama! Thanks for stopping by xx

      Reply
  • January 20, 2017 at 8:39 pm
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    Ah I remember the first poo! It was so painful even after a c-section delivery, which I was very surprised about. This post had me chuckling all the way through reading. This stage doesn’t last forever soon you have a walking and talking toddler on your hands. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    Reply
    • January 21, 2017 at 8:47 am
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      Oooh, I can’t even begin to imagine the aftermath of a c-section! Brave ladies, for sure… oh I know, so he’ll be up and terrorising his sister and then it’ll be a whole different ball game with 2 of them! Thanks for stopping by x

      Reply
  • January 19, 2017 at 4:33 pm
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    Agree with everything! I have to admit I was bored the first few weeks after everyone stopped dropping by. #BloggerClubUK

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    • January 19, 2017 at 5:02 pm
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      So many people I’ve said this to have totally failed to understand why or how! But it really is a thing! Thanks for stopping by xx

      Reply
  • January 16, 2017 at 9:07 pm
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    HA! Someone said it! May I add one? No one told me that, if I chose to breastfeed, that my vagina could go to hell. Yes, apparently breastfeeding does something to a certain hormone (progesterone maybe?) which can make your vaginal walls “look like that of an 80 year old.” (My doctor’s words, not mine.) Once I finally allowed my husband to resume “marital relations” it was so ungodly painful that I almost pushed him clear off the bed.
    #stayclassymama

    Reply
    • January 16, 2017 at 9:09 pm
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      Hahaha! Oh bless you and your vagina walls! Yet another reason I’m glad I opted not to breastfeed dx

      Reply
  • January 15, 2017 at 2:16 am
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    Even before my baby arrives I find my mind, and world, consumed by whether I have or have not, can or cannot poo! Brilliant, thank you! #fortheloveofblog

    Reply
  • January 13, 2017 at 5:28 pm
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    FACTS!

    I remember after I had my son, I was showering and these huge clumps of hair just kept falling out. I was convinced I was dying. So you posting this may save some poor woman from a nervous breakdown! That first poop is seriously scary, too.

    So glad I found your blog!

    #stayclassymama

    Reply
    • January 13, 2017 at 7:22 pm
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      Me too! I’m glad you could relate, and wouldn’t it be lovely if it did save someone the upset?! Thank you for stopping by xx

      Reply
  • January 13, 2017 at 9:22 am
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    Love this! Made me laugh but also nodded my head troughout the post!;) Right on spot about everything – at least as I can remember;)). When you’re left alone with your newborn, that’s when it starts to get tough. Can be boring at first but then comes the routine;)- boring right?!;)) #ablogginggoodtime

    Reply

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