We are a pretty honest and open society now, and with the massive online community only growing, there’s a wealth of information, advice and tips out there if you want to find it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, and there are hundreds of times I think “why did people tell me this would be shit?!” but there are some real things that really will happen that you might just wish someone like me had warned you about.
Since having my two kids and talking to friends, family, other mums and people in general I have discovered a few things that even they don’t really want to talk about. If you’re pregnant for the first time and reading this, and you’re already crapping your knickers (haha! You’ll see why that’s funny in a minute) about childbirth and what’s coming afterwards then you probably should stop reading now.
So here are the 4 things I wish some bloody so-called mate had had the decency to warn me about (Yes, I mean you! Bitch…)
The First Poo
No, not the baby’s first poo. That’s gross, granted, but it won’t be the last gross thing your baby does.
No, I mean your first poo. It might be the day after you give birth, it might be a couple of days, or it might be a week (and for some even longer), but it will come. One minute you’ll be sitting there idly gazing at your beautiful, perfect, little bundle of cuteness ( I don’t care what anyone says, even if your baby looks like a shrivelled potato or heaven forbid is poorly when they’re born, this is how they will look to you) and the next you’ll be thinking “Oh, I need a poo…” Yep, just like that. You might pause for a second and wonder what you’re supposed to do with the baby while you go for said poo, but you’ll soon realise that they’re not going to get up from the crib and leg it while you’re gone, and off you’ll waddle (still waddling) to the bathroom.
And then it’ll happen. If, like me, this happens at 2am on the baby ward where some mother might throttle you if you wake their darling up, whatever you do don’t freak out! Because let me tell you, you will feel like they forgot one, they got it wrong, it was twins after all and OH MY GOD IT’S GOING TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW! A baby is going to fall out of my arse while I sit here, gripping the nearest solid object fearing for my life. But it’s ok, it’s just a poo, just do it. Push. And OH MY GOD MY INSIDES ARE COMING OUT THE FRONT!
And then it’s over. The first poo.
After the first poo (or if you’re really unlucky, before it) may come piles. Sorry, but it’s true. That beautiful, perfect little bundle of cuteness has literally turned you inside out. This might incite the first of many more to come “fuck you’s” aimed at your child (silently, internally, or under your breath, of course), but don’t worry it’ll all be over soon. Soon-ish… Then there’s choosing whether or not to push them back up… Yes, that’s what I said.
Piles are vile and cruel jokes played on us by our bodies. They make you walk in a way which would suggest something unmentionable has been done to your backside, and sting like a you-know-what anytime you try to go to the toilet. You may spend weeks lowering yourself into a sitting or lying position slower than your grandmother does, and in two years time during a bout of constipation your little bundle of not-so-cute-anymore will cry “mummy my bum hurts” and you will have flashbacks to the time when you were doing exactly the same.
And there’s your reward. In two years time, you will look at your child and realise that, despite wondering daily how this little crap-bag emotional tornado came to be in your home, the two of you are not so different after all.
Your Hair Might Fall Out
Not in like a “Ermagerd I’m pulling my hair out because of this brat” kind of way (that’s later), but in an actual “Are you shitting me, my hair is falling out” kind of way.
Literally no one warned me about this, and to be fair it didn’t really happen after I had Amelia, not in any noticeable way anyway, but about three months after I had Wills I swear I woke up one day with bald patches. Even when I went to see my GP, scared to death that I was getting some kind of crazy alopecia, he failed to mention that it might have something to do with hormones.
It was only when I went to the hairdressers that she calmly and matter-of-factly told me that it’s totally normal, happens to most new mums, and yes a haircut is probably a good idea.
Google it. It’s a thing.
Alright, this bit really won’t last for long, and is certainly only relevant after you have your first child, but it’s real.
So you’ve spent the last 9 months planning to plan, planning, and then ripping up the plan and planning again. You’ve done all of the necessary shopping, the cot is up, moses basket ready, drawers full of cute outfits (some that will never get worn, sorry), you’ve had your manic ‘nesting’ phase and cleaned and scrubbed and organised every last orifice of your home, you’ve binge-watched box sets and finished all the books you’ve been meaning to read for the last two years (because you’ll never have time to do those things again, everyone’s told you), you’ve even given birth and brought your baby home.
Then come the visitors. They keep you pretty busy for the first few days, dropping in and out, sometimes outstaying their welcome just a tad. Or a lot. And if you’ve got a partner, husband or wife at home on leave for those treasured two weeks, then they’re there with you too. Whether they’re annoying you and getting in the way, or being hugely helpful and supportive, or most likely a weirdly great combination of the two, the point is that they are there.
And then they’re not.
Suddenly adult company pretty much ceases (unless you count Judge Rinder). Everyone goes back to work and their daily schedules, and all those baby type things that people warned you about that would suck up every minute of your life just don’t seem to be doing their job. The baby’s fed, winded, nappy changed (twice) and has fallen asleep again. You’re left just waiting; waiting for the baby to wake up, for the postman to come, for literally anything to happen at all. You did everything you needed and wanted to do before you brought your bundle of cuteness home, so there aren’t even any bloody box sets left to watch. Cue boredom.
You can find solace in the fact that this stage doesn’t last for long though, before long the baby sleeps less, may develop the evil that is colic or a variety of other illnesses which disturb their sleep, and generally start doing more things which will naturally take up more of your time.
Then, and only then will you look back on those first few weeks and wonder why you didn’t just sit on your arse more.
A Little Note
I am very aware that this will not apply to some of you (the boredom bit that is, sorry but you get the rest whether you like it or not). If you have a poorly baby, or are poorly yourself, or for any other reason the first few weeks of life with your baby are anything less than delightfully boring then please know that there is a ton of support out there for you and you can totally ignore this smug bitch with her boring first couple of bloody weeks. Or contact me! Even if the best I can offer is an ear for a rant, you never know, I might have something of use to offer… Probably not, but there’s always a hope…